Over the last week I was reflecting on what my posts have looked like for the last several months. They all seem so superficial and silly. Sure, fun things with my kids are important to me, but not deep and probably not encouraging to anyone out there. God has been teaching me steadily through this season. I have felt growth in Him and He's showed me so many neat things in my day to day life to comfort me and strengthen me. I have had some big decisions over the last few months. I've had some big shifts in mindset. I've come to accept some harsh truths and scary possibilities. All of these things are BIG to me and I'm sure they would encourage others out there to see how God works in other's lives as well as their own. But the problem is...the reason I haven't shared, is because they are so very, deeply personal. So many of these thoughts and decisions and struggles are too private to post out on the world-wide web. God is moving, I am learning and growing, but I can't share it with the masses.
I will say, though that this Christmas was hard. I have wondered if this is all there will ever be...just the kids and me. I know God is good no matter what. I know He would be so very loving if he gives me an amazing husband who loves God and and leads us, his family, in a mature, fun, steady way. However... He would be JUST as loving if He gave me no one as a husband except for Himself alone for all the days I live on this earth. His promises will remain and will be fulfilled...He will be working in me, doing His will and good work in me until the last day, with love and faithfulness. I know this is the truth, but some days it doesn't FEEL like it is. Some days the picture pops in my head...me, 50 years old, single, kids grown and gone, alone with a cat and plastic on my furniture! Sad. Very sad and depressing. But then I think about it again and remind myself that if that what God has for me, then...well that is the best plan. He will be fulfilling in me what He desires. I will better be serving Him as a single lady rather than a married lady. Now, I'm not saying that I'm totally okay with this idea. I do rebuke this thought of perpetual singleness in the name of Jesus often, so I'm not too comfortable with the idea yet, nor do I want to be. However, it does bring me comfort knowing that I will be most happy and most at peace in His perfect will for me. And...that's what I want. That's where I want to be.
After all, being single isn't so bad. I go to whichever restaurant I want. I buy groceries and plan meals according to my likes and cravings, only. I watch chick flicks all the time...no more alternating between turns (shoot 'em up - chick flick - shoot 'em up - chick flick). I sleep in the middle of my queen-sized bed, not sharing the covers with anyone. I spend my money how I see fit...no convincing needed that occasional highlights are a necessity. I get lots of friend time. I get to think about the possibility of falling in love, getting married and having babies, even though that dream already came true once.
But...I know what you're thinking. Don't even say it. I can read your thoughts. I know....but there's definitely some major downfalls to this single life. With all the obvious things being unsaid, uhuummm....there's also no one to zip my zippers. There's no one to help me carry in the groceries or do heavy lifting. There's no one to keep a home for or serve. There's no one to debrief with at the end of the day. There's no one to lead me or comfort me or love me. I know.
But I'm okay. I really am.
Please don't think this is cliche....but He really is all I need. I don't feel (very often anyway) like I'm going without. I feel the most enormous amount of joy...and peace. Now, COME ON PEOPLE!!!!! That is not me!!! It's so clear where that peace and joy comes from!!! It's fruit y'all. Fruit that can only come from the work of the Holy Spirit, bearing that fruit in us. I'm just a tree. He is the one that gives the tree life and He is the ONLY one that can make it bear anything beautiful or wonderful. I thank Him for that every hour of every day, I think. It's constantly on my mind...what He has done and continues to do.
Trials stink, I know. Especially when they are far enough removed that people start to expect you to be "over it" and "healed by now." It's funny, because it's been a year and a half this month, but I still cry about it at least once or twice a week. I cry for different reasons. Sometimes I cry because I'm sad that it didn't work out...out marriage and little family. Sometimes I cry when I drive by and see dads on the soccer fields with their sons. Sometimes I cry when I'm lonely and other times I cry when I am about to go on a date...thinking "what am I doing?!" Other times, I just cry because I'm releasing to Him the control I've always wanted over my own life. That breaking and surrendering hurts, because it's against our nature.
Have you ever tried to part your hair on the other side? you know how weird that feels and foreign? Well, that what it feels like for me to be single. Very unnatural. Very foreign. Yet, when I look to the Bible, I see example after example of how others felt this very same way and God was using it all to a greater end. That end...was for His own glory.
I believe wholeheartedly that that is exactly what He is doing now through my humble, uncomfortable circumstances. You'll be there too one day, if you haven't already...in that place where you would not have chosen to be, but a place that He will work in you to fulfill His plan and bring Himself glory!
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