I'm having a struggle that I was hoping you could help me with. I'm being pulled. I feel as if one arm is being pulled in one direction and the other arm in the opposite direction...simultaneously. I'm being pulled to the past...all day everyday. I have to ask God to seize those thoughts for me and put them out of my mind. They are so utterly painful that there are no words to describe. The other arm is being pulled toward the future. Questions, fears, doubts...all stemming from my struggle to trust God wholly with my future. He is always good, but what if what is good for me in His eyes, is painful for me? Can I bear it? I know I can with His grace, but I still fear it...wrongly. I know what the truth is, but I'm fighting daily to BELIEVE it so that it finally affects my thoughts and actions.
I need some help here. What am I missing? Can you encourage me with something? I know where I should be and sometimes I think the fighting to get there is what the Lord has planned for us. The struggle is what changes you...the road or the journey itself. Or rather HE is changing you AS you walk that painful path. What am I missing???
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I am a sinner, saved by grace. I am a child of God completely dependent on Him. I am learning to rely on Him soley...not on a husband or a friend or a paycheck, but Him alone. Only He can give me strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow. To God be the glory!
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9 comments:
Tamra,
It appears that my quiet time this morning was for your encouragement as well. I was thinking about the Exodus Commentary that we are studying. It's for kids...anyway, remember in the New Testament where it talks about the Israelites journey out of Egypt being "for our instruction"? Well, God could've led the Israelites straight to the Promised Land (faster, shorter, easier), but in the route He chose He was teaching them to trust Him. As each seemingly impossible circumstance arose they would doubt Him, complain, grumble, etc. Through this process there were some who learned to trust Him. This morning I prayed for myself that I would grow in responding more quickly with faith instead of fear and anxiety. Then, I was praying for you in this same theme. Also, remember that Sarah Groves song about leaving Egypt...meditate on that. Also, think about that Galatians 6:1 scripture that the Lord used in my life while you were here. On August 8th, 2006 you were set free by the truth and the TRUTH. Don't allow yourself to keep going back to the chains that once bound you (even in your mind). Slavery wasn't better than what He has planned!!
I LOVE YOU!!
I will pray about it and try to think of something that might be a helpful reminder. Your heart's desire - to respond in faith - will be met as you keep your eyes on Jesus. How neat to is to know and see that it is God who is working in you, both to will and to do His good pleasure!
God used the story of the Isrealites with me also to teach me about his will versus my will--and who's is better! There is nothing we can do to shorten the lesson, but be encouraged by those around you that have lived through rough times. I am glad for my times in that valley. I never would ask for them, but they have made life so much brighter. It took a while to say that though. Your hurt is still very fresh. It is normal and how God made you that you are hurting. I don't agree with all that Dr. Laura says, but I like how she says, "I don't fix normal". Hang in there--keep using the friends he's surrounded you with to walk through this with you. It will get easier--really--it will.
Will it? I keep wondering when it won't be the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing on my mind as I drift off to sleep. All this time and sand...and the journey has just begun. I think I need to think only about today instead of looking at the endless stretch of desert ahead of me.
It will. Tamra--it's much like a death--more so in some ways. People don't just get over that, but it does get easier. I can still remember the pain, but it's nowhere near as vivid, and the stretches I go without thinking of it are getting longer and longer. From what I hear of others I met because of this, it only gets better as the years go by. Let yourself grieve your loss, it's natural and healthy. God didn't scold Job for mourning his losses--he didn't say, "Now Job, stop hurting!". I am proud of how you are showing God honor and giving him glory even as you are hurting.
I read these everyday for a long time last year--and they are still alive for me...
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Still praying with you.
I think you are so right Tamra. You only need to think about today...
I have not walked the path you are walking. Mine was different. I had to wait for a year for our Zoe to come home from Guatemala. Our lawyers were crooked and the paperwork all went wrong and I sometimes didn't know if she would ever be home. Here is part of the entry I wrote during our first visit with her in Guatemala. It was the morning we had to leave her there to come home. I felt like my heart was breaking. I am sorry it's so long but I thought you might relate.
If you want to walk on water you have to get out of the boat...
Matthew 8
23Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
26He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
27The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"
Mathew 14
25During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
29"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."
34When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret. 35And when the men of that place recognized Jesus, they sent word to all the surrounding country. People brought all their sick to him 36and begged him to let the sick just touch the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.
I feel God whispering to me, "Trust me Angel. Get out of the boat. I know it's stormy but don't look at the waves. Look at me. You can walk on this water."
I feel like yelling back, "God YOU CAN STOP THIS STORM! Make it stop please!! Please just let her come home with me. I want to walk on water I just don't want it to be so scary."
God says to me, "The storm is what makes people get out of the boat. It's why you look to me and cry out for help. It's why you'll take my hand and look into my eyes and TRUST ME!! Do you trust me Angel? Either I'm in control of this storm or I'm not. It's time to decide whether you will look to the waves or look at Me."
As I am pondering what God is asking me to do I remember a lesson He taught me during Kailtlyn's surgery. It was the most heartwrenching moment I had faced up until that moment. I thought to myself, "How can I hand her over to this doctor and let him hurt her. She won't understand... She'll wonder why I'm letting it happen. Even as the thought entered my mind I knew the answer. I would do ANYTHING to make her better, even if it hurt her. My deep love for Kaitlyn forced me to allow her pain so that she could be better.
This is what God does for you and me. He allows us pain and we wonder WHY would He do this if He loves us the way He says He does. He allows us surgery in a spiritual sense. I know He cries as we cry. He holds us and whispers in our ear a hundred times, "I love you, I'm here, don't worry I'm holding you. There's no more danger. I just want you to get better and stronger. Just TRUST ME..."
I will get out of this boat. I will look to God today and not the waves. I will have to do it every single day. I will trust that God is there holding my hand and more importantly holding my little girl. I will know in my heart that this storm around me is there to help me grow. To save a little girl in Guatemala. GOD WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SAVE HER. Even if that means pain.
Looking back on many of my difficult moments in life I know that they were the biggest leaps of faith I had made at that time. I feel as if I'm in training. When I was younger the water was pretty calm and God said, "TRUST ME." Over the years the waves keep getting bigger and bigger. Yet I'm still supposed to get out and walk. To sleep through the storm. As we pass through these storms and word spreads God recieves the glory and many are healed.
Matthew 6:34 So then, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.
Philippians 4
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Much love to you Tamra. I am so sorry that you are walking this desert. However, I KNOW without a doubt that there IS a promised land ahead. Look where God has brought our family. A year after I wrote that our little girl was this last Christmas/ New Years. Our little one is home. There were times I lost faith and looked at the waves. I would sink and quit believing she would ever come home. In those times I just had to keep letting my friends and family help. They continually and patiently pointed me back toward God. I believe that soon you will be stronger and more than you ever dreamed you could be. Don't be afraid. You are doing just fine. I think it is wonderful that you are asking for help.
Love,
Angel
this song meant so much to me during my pain...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2m1HZekCcc
also I made this video about our journey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIJMbMSTrws
Hugs, Angel
Wow Angel--
It was so neat to read your experiences. What you wrote about learning about getting out of the boat--sounds so similar to what I learned!
And then the surgery thing--I felt that with both of my girls. They both had to have a surgery and God used that helpless time for me to teach me about Him--how he sometimes allows us pain in order to heal us.
Sorry to take over this post, Tamra--but I just thought that was too neat--to see how God's lessons are timeless and active!
Tamra,
I just wanted to point out something that our pastor preached on a few weeks ago. One of my favorite passages of scripture has always been the Philippians passage that Joanna posted. But one thing I always skimmed over was in verse 5- The Lord is near. Praise the Lord! He is near. And just like Joanna and Angel have both shared, he is holding you in his arms while you go through this spiritual surgery. I love you so much!
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