Blessings in pairs

This week has been a week filled with much emotion. Not many different kinds of emotions really...just one. This emotion is one that I have been confused about. Why now? Why in this magnitude? Should I be feeling this way? Is this emotion natural? Is it holy? or is it sin? What do I do with this emotion? How do I cope? How do I express it in a God-honoring way? How do I get rid of it? All of these questions stem from one blood-boiling little emotion called ANGER. Lots of thoughts are flooding my mind as I type this. Lots of processing going on. Here's the deal though: I've been struggling for over a week now. I feel drained and up tight. I feel on edge and consumed in my thoughts. It's been a long week or so. The Lord was good though. He gave me a blessing yesterday that helped me see things more clearly. Last night I went to visit with my new friend Medina. I've known Medina for 2 years now, but we've never gotten an opportunity to really get to know on another. Well, in the last few months I've grown to know her more. And to know her, is to love her! Medina has been through something very similar to what I have been through in my marriage. She is a survivor. She has come out on the other side and seen how God had a plan for her. The path to get to the blessing was neither straight nor smooth, but He was with her all the way. And where has this road taken her? To a sweet, godly husband (of 7 years) named Tim. It also brought her to our church and into our lives. Thank you God! I was able to talk last night with Medina about my situation and essentially these feelings I've been having.
ANGER. It is powerful! The thing that triggers the angry feelings is the processing that is going on in my brain. You know...the processing of "OH! Now I know why he said this" or "Oh, now it makes sense why he always did that." I'm figuring out piece by piece what was really going on behind my back for 5 years! It is the processing that I don't want to do! I don't want to think about it. I don't want to dwell. Mostly, I don't want him to steal one more second of my life or happiness from me, ya know? 5 years is too long. I don't want to give one minute more. But unfortunately, the brain and heart are complicated! It takes to time to process these things. Medina's husband called it a "holocaust" of the heart. That's what it feels like. A bomb has exploded and the dust has been settling now for months. I'm left here in the middle of the wreckage looking around at the destruction and shaking my head in disbelief. But standing there will do me no good, will it? I have to get walking. I have to walk step, by step, day by day towards the green, unaffected land on the outside. One day I pray that I will reach the place where the landscape is green and flourishing with life and beauty. But for now, I have to walk. I have to examine the wreckage, the disgusting aftermath of a lengthy sin.
Something my pastor told me "the" night the bomb was detonated in my life was that yes, there has been a devastation and yes, I would have to walk through the wreckage. But, the good news is that I will not walk alone. I have to walk the path, but not alone. Not only will the heavenly Father be with me, but my dear brothers and sisters will be with me. Medina is on of those dear sisters who has promised NOT to forget me in her prayers even though the dust has settled. But surprisingly last night, the blessing came in a pair. Medina's husband Tim was there last night as well. He encouraged me right along with his sweet wife. If their words weren't encouraging enough, just the simple and beautiful picture of them...them as a couple was enough to encourage me beyond measure. Tim said something that will stick with me, I think. He said (and it hurt his hart to say it) that if Medina had not walked this road and been divorced...If these things had not happened to her, then there would be no "them." There would be no Tim and Medina. God works in mysterious ways and I see that I have to look forward to seeing how God works in my life to bring beauty from the ashes of my present rubble. I can't wait!

For now though...walking, processing and trusting Him. Day by day. One at a time. Anger may come as a byproduct of the processing, but I know the Lord will help me deal with that in time.

This is what mourning looks like after an affair. This is what death of a marriage looks like. It hurts. But in the midst of it, there is hope. Hope for a beautiful tomorrow.