"In time of trouble, say, 'First, he brought me here. It is by His will I am in this straight place; in that I will rest.' Next, 'He will keep me here in His love, and give me grace in this trial to behave as His child.' Then say, 'He will make the trial a blessing, teaching me lessons He intends me to learn, and working in me the grace He means to bestow.' And last, say, 'In His good time He can bring me out again. How and when, He knows.'
Therefore, say, 'I am here (1) by God's appointment, (2) in His keeping, (3) under His training, (4) for His time.'"
~ Andrew Murray 1895
January 27, 2007
January 26, 2007
Preschoolers or Teenagers?
So this morning both of my kids were acting more like teenagers than preschoolers. Benjamin takes one look at the shirt I picked out for him (which was very cool, I may add) and he scowled. I asked what was wrong. He said, "Mom, I won't look cool if I wear that shirt!" Ugh!
Then, I went to wake up Cait this morning and I turned on her closet light. This is my gentle way of helping hr wake up in enough time to get to school. She said, as she does every single morning, "Mommy, I'm still tired." And then she added..."Just 5 more minutes, k mom?" I couldn't help but chuckle!
B cried all the way to school this morning about his shirt and the fact that he didn't want to go. I just thought he was having an attitude problem, so we discussed it all morning as we were dressing and driving to school. I sang , "A joyful heart is good medicine..." to him and did the best I could to change his mood, but with no success. To add to the trauma his teacher was out with a sick child today so he had to go into another class. When I made it around to his room for music he took one look at me and burst into tears. He said his ear hurt really badly. It all started to come together...crying about his shirt, not wanting to go to school, no success in changing his attitude. He was sick. We got right into the dr. (I love my kid's dr!) and sure enough! Major ear infection in one ear and working on it int he other ear. One dose of motrin and amoxicillin and he acts just like new.
I am so excited because Laurie is spending the weekend with us for a scrapbooking weekend. Fun times! Plus, the kids each learned their first 5 verses on their new verse chart...so we're going for ice cream for their reward at some point this weekend. They are pumped!
I hope you all have an excellent weekend! Thanks again for all your encouragement and love through this blog. It has meant the world to me!
Then, I went to wake up Cait this morning and I turned on her closet light. This is my gentle way of helping hr wake up in enough time to get to school. She said, as she does every single morning, "Mommy, I'm still tired." And then she added..."Just 5 more minutes, k mom?" I couldn't help but chuckle!
B cried all the way to school this morning about his shirt and the fact that he didn't want to go. I just thought he was having an attitude problem, so we discussed it all morning as we were dressing and driving to school. I sang , "A joyful heart is good medicine..." to him and did the best I could to change his mood, but with no success. To add to the trauma his teacher was out with a sick child today so he had to go into another class. When I made it around to his room for music he took one look at me and burst into tears. He said his ear hurt really badly. It all started to come together...crying about his shirt, not wanting to go to school, no success in changing his attitude. He was sick. We got right into the dr. (I love my kid's dr!) and sure enough! Major ear infection in one ear and working on it int he other ear. One dose of motrin and amoxicillin and he acts just like new.
I am so excited because Laurie is spending the weekend with us for a scrapbooking weekend. Fun times! Plus, the kids each learned their first 5 verses on their new verse chart...so we're going for ice cream for their reward at some point this weekend. They are pumped!
I hope you all have an excellent weekend! Thanks again for all your encouragement and love through this blog. It has meant the world to me!
January 24, 2007
My Ring Bearer
This last weekend was my cousin's wedding. My first cousin Angela married my third cousin Allen. They are both really sweet and make a cute couple. Benjamin was the ring bearer. This was a first for him and he was very excited! Look how handsome he looks!
Here's Cait with the bride. Cait thought she was like a celebrity or something! There's something so very special about a bride, isn't there?
Dancin' the night away!!! Cait and the flower girl, Becca.
Cait and Benjamin dancing. Benjamin had a crooked smile that night because he had a busted lip. The night before he fell and his top teeth went through his bottom lip. It bled and bled. It is still a horrible wound on this inner lip, but he was a real trooper!
me, Granny (dad's mom) and my sister, Danyel
Baby Mia missed out on all the dancing, but isn't she sweet? She's already one month old!!
Benjamin caught the garter!! Maybe it's not a symbol of his upcoming marriage, but rather his mommy's in the future one day!! HA! Thanks Benjamin!
Look how strong he is! We only had to double over the garter once to stay on his big muscle!!
Here's Cait with the bride. Cait thought she was like a celebrity or something! There's something so very special about a bride, isn't there?
Dancin' the night away!!! Cait and the flower girl, Becca.
Cait and Benjamin dancing. Benjamin had a crooked smile that night because he had a busted lip. The night before he fell and his top teeth went through his bottom lip. It bled and bled. It is still a horrible wound on this inner lip, but he was a real trooper!
me, Granny (dad's mom) and my sister, Danyel
Baby Mia missed out on all the dancing, but isn't she sweet? She's already one month old!!
Benjamin caught the garter!! Maybe it's not a symbol of his upcoming marriage, but rather his mommy's in the future one day!! HA! Thanks Benjamin!
Look how strong he is! We only had to double over the garter once to stay on his big muscle!!
Quote of the day
"We can say, 'Blessed is night, for it reveals to us the stars.' In the same way we can say, 'Blessed is sorrow, for it reveals God's comfort.' The floods washed away home and mill, all the poor man had in the world. But as he stood on the scene of his loss, after the water had subsided, broken-hearted and discouraged, he saw something shining in the bank which the waters had washed bare. 'It looks like gold,' he said. It was gold. The flood which had beggared him made him rich. So it is ofttimes in life." --H. C. Trumbull
January 23, 2007
Rejecting my wedding dress
Well, today I taught in the morning and then had a few hours before I got the kids back from Chris. I decided to do something that I've been wanting to do for a long time...take my wedding dress to a resale shop. I've wanted to do it for years, but I just never got around to it. Well, while I was there waiting for the woman to look at my dress, I overheard her tell somone that they only accept dresses 2 years old or less. So I told her "never mind" because my dress was older than 2 years. She said, that's okay, I'll look at it anyway. So I went to the front of the store and looked at some nice (and very over-priced) clothes they had for resale. She went to the back to look at my dress. She unzipped and then yelled from the back...for all to hear..."Oh honey! Bless your heart! Yes, this dress is way too old for our store. I'm sure it was pretty in it's day though."
"In it's day?"...
Why did that hurt my feelings so bad? Was it because she embarrassed me in front of everyone else in the store, or because she didn't like my dress? Or was it because I realized how long ago that truly was. Eight and a half years. I'm struggling this afternoon with thoughts like, "8 years of my life wasted." or "He took the best years of my life." So cliche, but I feel it to be true some days. Was it all wasted? No, I know those years weren't wasted. I know I have 2 beautiful children to show for them. I know that I have have 8 years of faithfulness and servant-hood to show for it. But the hard part is that it wasn't appreciated. It's days like today that I could let myself think that I wish I hadn't ironed his clothes, or washed his clothes or cooked him meals, or cleaned his house. I could say that I regret it. But I don't. And I shouldn't. Because as a Christian wife, my servant-hood was unto God. I did those tasks for Chris and he reaped the blessing of them, but my motivation was because I wanted to serve God. No man "deserves" to be served by a woman or helped by her. But, to fulfill my role as a godly wife, my job was to serve Chris as if I were serving Christ himself.
If you are married, don't grow weary in serving your husband. I know he's not perfect and I know he can be difficult to serve sometimes. But remember that your motivation should be to glorify Christ by fulfilling your role in a selfless manner. Be so grateful that you have a husband to serve and that he appreciates it and appreciates you as a result.
So no regrets, right? No looking back and feeling bitter. I will look ahead and pray that God will give me someone to serve again one day...maybe next time it will be someone who appreciates it.
"In it's day?"...
Why did that hurt my feelings so bad? Was it because she embarrassed me in front of everyone else in the store, or because she didn't like my dress? Or was it because I realized how long ago that truly was. Eight and a half years. I'm struggling this afternoon with thoughts like, "8 years of my life wasted." or "He took the best years of my life." So cliche, but I feel it to be true some days. Was it all wasted? No, I know those years weren't wasted. I know I have 2 beautiful children to show for them. I know that I have have 8 years of faithfulness and servant-hood to show for it. But the hard part is that it wasn't appreciated. It's days like today that I could let myself think that I wish I hadn't ironed his clothes, or washed his clothes or cooked him meals, or cleaned his house. I could say that I regret it. But I don't. And I shouldn't. Because as a Christian wife, my servant-hood was unto God. I did those tasks for Chris and he reaped the blessing of them, but my motivation was because I wanted to serve God. No man "deserves" to be served by a woman or helped by her. But, to fulfill my role as a godly wife, my job was to serve Chris as if I were serving Christ himself.
If you are married, don't grow weary in serving your husband. I know he's not perfect and I know he can be difficult to serve sometimes. But remember that your motivation should be to glorify Christ by fulfilling your role in a selfless manner. Be so grateful that you have a husband to serve and that he appreciates it and appreciates you as a result.
So no regrets, right? No looking back and feeling bitter. I will look ahead and pray that God will give me someone to serve again one day...maybe next time it will be someone who appreciates it.
January 21, 2007
Maryland Trip
If you want to read about my trip, go here and read all about it! Mindy documented the trip so thoroughly that I don't have too much more to say! I'm still wanting to add a few thoughts, but I have to get past day #1 of Kindermusik tomorrow! Always so very stressful!! I'm off to bed so I can study some more in the early morning when I'm nice and fresh!
January 18, 2007
Here are the kids checking out the airplane before we got on it. It was their first plane ride since they were old enough to care. There were bouncing with excitement!!! Thanks Julie for the ride to the airport and thanks to Jeremy for the tickets!!!
On the plane and oh so giddy!
Maryland, watch out! We have arrived!
The gang!
Cait, Caleb, Lela, Justin, Nate, Benjamin
The only one missing is Brianna. Even Misti made the picture...you toe licker you!
Every time I see this picture it makes me think ahead to 15 years down the road when this picture is taken again...with them all grown up.
**sniff, sniff**
Making banana puddin' with Aunt Tamra. I had SO many willing helpers! I wonder why??
Dinner time! Mindy fed us so well! She encouraged me to be a good girl too...taking tons of vitamins everyday and eating things that are good for you. Weird.
One day we attempted to do school with the kids. It went pretty well. Here's Mindy's school room. What a set-up, huh? She even has a desk for the teacher!
On Saturday morning all the girls went to Michael's to get stuff for some projects. While we were away the boys turned into savages...skallywags!
This was complete with a pirate soundtrack compiled by Jeremy for the treasure hunt.
Caleb doing what he does best...being adorable!
Sweet Justin! He is so tender-hearted! He rarely left Cait's side the day she was in bed with her neck injury. I caught her in a moment when she was in between screams and wails. What sweet friends already!
FYI- this is just my picture posting from Maryland. I have to tell you what neat things God did while I was there. That will have to wait though until we return from our weekend trip. We're headed to Houston...yes again! for my cousin's wedding. B is the ring bearer, so I'm really looking forward o it! You know I'll be posting pics of that for sure!!
Happy weekend everyone!
(Mayhews...miss you already!)
CALLING OUT YOUR NAME
Do you remember the wedding that I went to over Christmas? Well, my friend Melissa, who I went to high school with and was in youth group with was there and we saw each other for the first time in years. She is one of the women who has had a similar experience as me. Her husband had an affair and then he told her he wanted a divorce. If saw Melissa or knew her you would see what an absolute fool her husband was. In my opinion, he never deserved her in the first place! Sorry....
Anyway, she is three years out when at the time I was more like 3 months out. She was able to encourage me on topics like bitterness and child-rearing as a single-mom, etc. I was telling her about how my dear friend Jenni gave me a new pocket Bible a while back. No occasion, just gave me this gorgeous Bible in place of my former pocket Bible. The reason behind that is that my first pocket Bible came with a diamond engagment ring inside of it, followed by a proposal from my "ex". It was hard to open that Bible and see the inscription. Anyway, Jenni gave me a new one and I'm so grateful. Melissa told me that a dear frind of hers did the same thing for her. And inside the cover she had written a poem. I thought is was so cool, I just had to share it with you...
There had to be a time
When time began
Created from the touch of God
And it was very good
How He calls to you
So that you can go to Him
Whether you are called by
The name chosen by your parents
Or the name given at marriage
Always remember the indelible name
God calls you...
My Beloved
- Lisa Karabatsos 2004
Anyway, she is three years out when at the time I was more like 3 months out. She was able to encourage me on topics like bitterness and child-rearing as a single-mom, etc. I was telling her about how my dear friend Jenni gave me a new pocket Bible a while back. No occasion, just gave me this gorgeous Bible in place of my former pocket Bible. The reason behind that is that my first pocket Bible came with a diamond engagment ring inside of it, followed by a proposal from my "ex". It was hard to open that Bible and see the inscription. Anyway, Jenni gave me a new one and I'm so grateful. Melissa told me that a dear frind of hers did the same thing for her. And inside the cover she had written a poem. I thought is was so cool, I just had to share it with you...
There had to be a time
When time began
Created from the touch of God
And it was very good
How He calls to you
So that you can go to Him
Whether you are called by
The name chosen by your parents
Or the name given at marriage
Always remember the indelible name
God calls you...
My Beloved
- Lisa Karabatsos 2004
January 17, 2007
Cancelled
No school today! What a waste!! I got up early, walked on the treadmill, got totally dressed,THEN found out there was no school! I wasted make-up and hairspray and missed hours of shut-eye for nothing!! Bummer. Well, at least I already got all those things done this morning and maybe I can even fit in a nap when the kids rest this afternoon!
Time for some hot chocolate!!
Time for some hot chocolate!!
Faith vs. Hope
Last week a dear friend reminded me of a sermon that our pastor taught a while back on faith and hope. I found Bro. Hal's clarification of these two things very helpful to me right now.
Faith is believing what we read in God's word. Knowing that because He said it, it is true. We can put all of our stock in it because we know God and He always keeps His promises.
Hope on the other hand is knowing what God could do, but may not choose to do based on His sovereign and perfect will. I can have faith that Jesus is the Son of God. I can have faith that He will take care of me, love me, protect me, sanctify me and keep me until the last day. I can have faith that I will be with Him for all eternity.
Hope is different and I'm learning to differentiate the two in my own heart. I can hope that my children will be saved one day. I can hope that Mrs. Judy will healed of cancer. I can't have faith that she will. I can pray for it and beg God for it to be so, but if His plan is different, then I have to have faith that He knows better than I. I have to have faith that ALL things work together for our good and His glory. You might think that Mrs. Judy's good would be for her to be healed. That would be very good. But maybe the greater good for her would be to take her home. Believe me...I'm praying fervently that this is not the case for a really, really long time. It pains me to even say it. But I have to have faith that God sees what I can't see and is in control. I am not.
So I've been examining what I've been confusing in my own heart and mind. Have the lines of faith and hope been crossed when considering my future? I have realized that I have been dwelling too much on my "hope" for my future. I have been hoping that God would bring all this pain and sadness to a beautiful ending. And the beautiful ending is very narrow-minded from my view. A beautiful ending would be me remarried while my children are still young and God giving me a godly, wonderful husband that loves me (novel idea, huh?) and leads me and cares for Benjamin and Cait deeply. That would be a beautiful ending!!! But.... I can't have hope in this picture. It would be wonderful! And PLEASE!!! Don't stop praying for this friends!!!! But I can't have FAITH that this is what God will do for me. Perhaps His plan is singleness for me. Maybe it is the perfect tool to sanctify me. Maybe not. I don't know. But I do know that I can't rest in any of these ideas or circumstances.
So, I have no problem hoping for so many good things that God could do (allow me to stay home with my kids, homeschooling, be married to a godly man, etc., etc. ) But I think I need to take my focus off my hopes. The hopes will never go away and don't even need any cultivating or fostering. What I need to cultivate is my faith in what I know God will do. That's where my mind needs to be. That's where my heart needs to rest. I need to make God my God and not turn my hopes into my god.
God I am so weak! Help me to have faith in you alone! Help me not love the good gifts you give or the hope of future gifts more than You!!
Faith is believing what we read in God's word. Knowing that because He said it, it is true. We can put all of our stock in it because we know God and He always keeps His promises.
Hope on the other hand is knowing what God could do, but may not choose to do based on His sovereign and perfect will. I can have faith that Jesus is the Son of God. I can have faith that He will take care of me, love me, protect me, sanctify me and keep me until the last day. I can have faith that I will be with Him for all eternity.
Hope is different and I'm learning to differentiate the two in my own heart. I can hope that my children will be saved one day. I can hope that Mrs. Judy will healed of cancer. I can't have faith that she will. I can pray for it and beg God for it to be so, but if His plan is different, then I have to have faith that He knows better than I. I have to have faith that ALL things work together for our good and His glory. You might think that Mrs. Judy's good would be for her to be healed. That would be very good. But maybe the greater good for her would be to take her home. Believe me...I'm praying fervently that this is not the case for a really, really long time. It pains me to even say it. But I have to have faith that God sees what I can't see and is in control. I am not.
So I've been examining what I've been confusing in my own heart and mind. Have the lines of faith and hope been crossed when considering my future? I have realized that I have been dwelling too much on my "hope" for my future. I have been hoping that God would bring all this pain and sadness to a beautiful ending. And the beautiful ending is very narrow-minded from my view. A beautiful ending would be me remarried while my children are still young and God giving me a godly, wonderful husband that loves me (novel idea, huh?) and leads me and cares for Benjamin and Cait deeply. That would be a beautiful ending!!! But.... I can't have hope in this picture. It would be wonderful! And PLEASE!!! Don't stop praying for this friends!!!! But I can't have FAITH that this is what God will do for me. Perhaps His plan is singleness for me. Maybe it is the perfect tool to sanctify me. Maybe not. I don't know. But I do know that I can't rest in any of these ideas or circumstances.
So, I have no problem hoping for so many good things that God could do (allow me to stay home with my kids, homeschooling, be married to a godly man, etc., etc. ) But I think I need to take my focus off my hopes. The hopes will never go away and don't even need any cultivating or fostering. What I need to cultivate is my faith in what I know God will do. That's where my mind needs to be. That's where my heart needs to rest. I need to make God my God and not turn my hopes into my god.
God I am so weak! Help me to have faith in you alone! Help me not love the good gifts you give or the hope of future gifts more than You!!
January 15, 2007
We're Home
A new week starts tomorrow for me, so this will be brief...
Thanks to everyone who prayed for our safe travel. God was good to us. We were unable to fly out of Maryland this morning as scheduled, but it turned out to be for the best. Then, our flight was delayed this evening because of Dallas weather. We got home (thanks to Kris and Julie's kindness towards us AGAIN!) around 11:00pm. Thank you also to those of you who prayed for Cait. She did great on the plane ride home. She injured her neck last night in a game of hide-and-seek and we ended up in the ER. I thought her collarbone was broken or maybe her clavicle, but it was just a contusion on her neck that caused her to have muscle spasms. She was in severe pain and even after we left the ER, Tylenol with Codeine didn't seem to give her any relief. Because of the Lord's goodness and all those who were praying...she seemed very comfortable on the plane. AND, Mindy...God answered our 2 specific prayers. 1) A very nice man helped me at the security point so it wasn't traumatic at all for Cait. A man behind me line reached around me and collapsed the stroller after I lifted her and then the man at security rushed around to see that I was taken care of and helped as needed. The security point was MUCH less crowded and busy than the one in Dallas. This was a huge relief. I almost cried from relief! And 2) a very kind flight attendant sat with my kids on the plane while I went back for the car seat. I felt at ease and cared for by Him. Then for the whole trip she seemed relaxed and never complained of her neck until the last 15 minutes or so of the flight when I knew the medication was beginning to wear off. So, PRAISE GOD!!
I can't wait to tell you about our Maryland visit. We had a great trip. Always sad to leave but good also to come home. Until then, gotta get some shut-eye!
Thanks to everyone who prayed for our safe travel. God was good to us. We were unable to fly out of Maryland this morning as scheduled, but it turned out to be for the best. Then, our flight was delayed this evening because of Dallas weather. We got home (thanks to Kris and Julie's kindness towards us AGAIN!) around 11:00pm. Thank you also to those of you who prayed for Cait. She did great on the plane ride home. She injured her neck last night in a game of hide-and-seek and we ended up in the ER. I thought her collarbone was broken or maybe her clavicle, but it was just a contusion on her neck that caused her to have muscle spasms. She was in severe pain and even after we left the ER, Tylenol with Codeine didn't seem to give her any relief. Because of the Lord's goodness and all those who were praying...she seemed very comfortable on the plane. AND, Mindy...God answered our 2 specific prayers. 1) A very nice man helped me at the security point so it wasn't traumatic at all for Cait. A man behind me line reached around me and collapsed the stroller after I lifted her and then the man at security rushed around to see that I was taken care of and helped as needed. The security point was MUCH less crowded and busy than the one in Dallas. This was a huge relief. I almost cried from relief! And 2) a very kind flight attendant sat with my kids on the plane while I went back for the car seat. I felt at ease and cared for by Him. Then for the whole trip she seemed relaxed and never complained of her neck until the last 15 minutes or so of the flight when I knew the medication was beginning to wear off. So, PRAISE GOD!!
I can't wait to tell you about our Maryland visit. We had a great trip. Always sad to leave but good also to come home. Until then, gotta get some shut-eye!
January 10, 2007
Vacation Time
The kids and I leave today on a little vacation. Both B and C flew on a plane when they were babies, but neither remember, obviously. So, this is kind of like the first. They are SOOOO excited. Benjamin gets into superhero mode when he talks about flying above the clouds in the airplane! I can't wait to see their faces as they look out over the buildings and then clouds. I love being a mom!
We are the gracious recipients of the generosity of our dear friends, Mindy and Jeremy Mayhew. They are flying the three of us up to Gaithersburg, Maryland where they live for a visit. This has been planned for months and now that it has arrived, I'm beside myself! Thank you Mindy and Jeremy for this gift! We're so excited!
We have a few plans while we're there, but not too much. The most important thing on the agenda is the talking, right?? We will get the opportunity to attend 2 or 3 activities at their church over the weekend which is sure to be very encouraging! So, we leave this afternoon and return Monday morning bright and early! I will have internet access there, so I may update you while we're there.
Have a blessed weekend everyone. I'll miss those of you who I would have seen at church on Sunday. We'll see you when we get back!
We are the gracious recipients of the generosity of our dear friends, Mindy and Jeremy Mayhew. They are flying the three of us up to Gaithersburg, Maryland where they live for a visit. This has been planned for months and now that it has arrived, I'm beside myself! Thank you Mindy and Jeremy for this gift! We're so excited!
We have a few plans while we're there, but not too much. The most important thing on the agenda is the talking, right?? We will get the opportunity to attend 2 or 3 activities at their church over the weekend which is sure to be very encouraging! So, we leave this afternoon and return Monday morning bright and early! I will have internet access there, so I may update you while we're there.
Have a blessed weekend everyone. I'll miss those of you who I would have seen at church on Sunday. We'll see you when we get back!
January 08, 2007
Questions, questions...
What? When? Where? Who?
Why?
Why?
Why....
Ya know, I've been nearly eaten alive with all the questions that are running through my head. Some are "what-if's" concerning the future, but most are related to the past, a past I have been so desperately trying to piece together and make sense out of. This past has a new dark discovery at every turn. The past pain, fear and anxieties finally all make sense and it completely alters the shape of my future. I've been trying so hard to "figure it all out". But I realized...that even if I did have answers to these questions, even if I had the opportunity to demand answers for the past...it wouldn't matter. You see, my reasoning behind wanting these answers is that I simply want to make sense of it all. And that right there is the problem. Even if I got answers, it would never, never make sense. There is no reasonable explanation. There is no justification or excuse good enough or sane enough. It will never add up.
So...here I am with the questions swirling in my mind. With every one that rolls in I turn it over to God and ask Him to help me be at peace with no answer. This situation may not be reconciled. I have to move on with or without the happy ending. I can't lie. These past few days have been some of the hardest. I have no idea why. It could be that I've had so much time on my hands to think and be lonely. I really haven't felt lonely so far. But I know I have to stare this thing in the face and refuse to despair. This is where what I say I believe comes into real action. I have to look to Him to be my everything.
The other night I was so sad at bedtime and I pulled a book off the shelf. It was my grandmother's copy of "Streams in the Desert." Her eyesight is so bad now that my mom said I could take it home with me the last time I was there. She can't use it anymore. So, I opened the cover and saw a handwritten note inside. It was from a Ms. Kittinger who gave the book to my grandmother almost 27 years ago. This must have been when my grandpa died. She wrote,
"Dear Friend,
I hope you find some special pages to help you, as I did.
God is in every tomorrow therefore I live for today
certain of finding at sunrise guidance and strength for the way.
Power for each moment of weakness.
Hope for each moment of pain.
Comfort for each sorrow.
Sunshine and joy after rain."
How sweet and appropriate. I was able to go to sleep in peace. One hard day down...
Why?
Why?
Why....
Ya know, I've been nearly eaten alive with all the questions that are running through my head. Some are "what-if's" concerning the future, but most are related to the past, a past I have been so desperately trying to piece together and make sense out of. This past has a new dark discovery at every turn. The past pain, fear and anxieties finally all make sense and it completely alters the shape of my future. I've been trying so hard to "figure it all out". But I realized...that even if I did have answers to these questions, even if I had the opportunity to demand answers for the past...it wouldn't matter. You see, my reasoning behind wanting these answers is that I simply want to make sense of it all. And that right there is the problem. Even if I got answers, it would never, never make sense. There is no reasonable explanation. There is no justification or excuse good enough or sane enough. It will never add up.
So...here I am with the questions swirling in my mind. With every one that rolls in I turn it over to God and ask Him to help me be at peace with no answer. This situation may not be reconciled. I have to move on with or without the happy ending. I can't lie. These past few days have been some of the hardest. I have no idea why. It could be that I've had so much time on my hands to think and be lonely. I really haven't felt lonely so far. But I know I have to stare this thing in the face and refuse to despair. This is where what I say I believe comes into real action. I have to look to Him to be my everything.
The other night I was so sad at bedtime and I pulled a book off the shelf. It was my grandmother's copy of "Streams in the Desert." Her eyesight is so bad now that my mom said I could take it home with me the last time I was there. She can't use it anymore. So, I opened the cover and saw a handwritten note inside. It was from a Ms. Kittinger who gave the book to my grandmother almost 27 years ago. This must have been when my grandpa died. She wrote,
"Dear Friend,
I hope you find some special pages to help you, as I did.
God is in every tomorrow therefore I live for today
certain of finding at sunrise guidance and strength for the way.
Power for each moment of weakness.
Hope for each moment of pain.
Comfort for each sorrow.
Sunshine and joy after rain."
How sweet and appropriate. I was able to go to sleep in peace. One hard day down...
January 06, 2007
For Melissa, Robin, Joy, Christine, Casey and all the other women in our boat...
"Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch Him amazed,
in awe of the mystery of His perfect ways.
All I have need of His hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.
I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain.
I can't remember one single regret
in serving God only and trusting His hand.
All I have need of His hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.
This is my anthem, this is my song,
the theme of the stories I've hard for so long.
God has been faithful, He will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.
All I have need of His hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me."
Sarah Groves
He will be faithful to us.
I especially love the part where she says that there has never been a regret in trusting Him. That's because He will never let us down.
It's been a hard day for me here, so I thought I better remind myself of some truths. Thought I'd pass them along to you tonight too. Hope it brings a little bit of encouragement to someone else!
the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch Him amazed,
in awe of the mystery of His perfect ways.
All I have need of His hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.
I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain.
I can't remember one single regret
in serving God only and trusting His hand.
All I have need of His hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.
This is my anthem, this is my song,
the theme of the stories I've hard for so long.
God has been faithful, He will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.
All I have need of His hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me."
Sarah Groves
He will be faithful to us.
I especially love the part where she says that there has never been a regret in trusting Him. That's because He will never let us down.
It's been a hard day for me here, so I thought I better remind myself of some truths. Thought I'd pass them along to you tonight too. Hope it brings a little bit of encouragement to someone else!
January 05, 2007
Lesson Learned
NEVER close your eyes while on the treadmill, no matter how much you are enjoying the song on your IPod.....
you will fall off.
Have you ever rolled around on the floor laughing at yourself, even when there was no one there to laugh with you? Well, I did today and I quite enjoyed it. The endorphines got me so pumped up (Spark helped also) that I ran for an extra 5 minutes. Thank God I didn't have my weights in my hands yet when I fell off. Always something to be thankful for, right??
Hahahahahahahaha........................!!!!
you will fall off.
Have you ever rolled around on the floor laughing at yourself, even when there was no one there to laugh with you? Well, I did today and I quite enjoyed it. The endorphines got me so pumped up (Spark helped also) that I ran for an extra 5 minutes. Thank God I didn't have my weights in my hands yet when I fell off. Always something to be thankful for, right??
Hahahahahahahaha........................!!!!
January 04, 2007
Betrothed? and a check-up
Benjamin had his 5 year check-up today. He was very "nervous" about whether or not he would have to have any shots. Turns out he didn't because I still hadn't brought over his shot records like I was supposed to sometime in the last year. Oh well, we may have to bring him back for that. Otherwise, he is a perfectly healthy little boy with eyes that see and hears that hear, feet that can skip and hop, hands that can write his name and a memory that allows him to tell you where he lives, what his name is, etc.
Here's how the conversation went with Dr. Lanman...
Dr: What is your name?
B: Benjamin Perkinson Daniel
Dr: sort of! Are you a boy or a girl?
B: girl ..... hee hee, I mean a boy!
Such a funny boy! Here are some pictures of his visit.
While B and I were at the Dr and getting him fitted for his tuxedo (for my cousin's wedding in a few weeks) Kathryn graciously offered to let Cait come play. Kathryn sent me pictures of Cait and Jonathan while they were watching Blue's Clue's together. She asked if we needed to begin the betrothal papers?? HAHA!! How adorable are they? Thanks again Kat!
Here's how the conversation went with Dr. Lanman...
Dr: What is your name?
B: Benjamin Perkinson Daniel
Dr: sort of! Are you a boy or a girl?
B: girl ..... hee hee, I mean a boy!
Such a funny boy! Here are some pictures of his visit.
While B and I were at the Dr and getting him fitted for his tuxedo (for my cousin's wedding in a few weeks) Kathryn graciously offered to let Cait come play. Kathryn sent me pictures of Cait and Jonathan while they were watching Blue's Clue's together. She asked if we needed to begin the betrothal papers?? HAHA!! How adorable are they? Thanks again Kat!
January 02, 2007
Merry Christmas report
We had a great time on our trip to Houston for Christmas. We traveled on Tuesday afternoon and arrived at the hospital just a few hours after baby Mia Beth had been born. She weighed 8 lbs. 3 oz and is beautiful! Mommy did great during delivery and they have done really well ever since. What a blessing to have her added to our family.
I think God's timing is so intention in these things. Ya know, what would have been and should have been a really hard Christmas for my family having lost one of its members and grieving that loss, was filled with joy because of sweet little addition. Thank the Lord.
Here she is!!
The rest of the week was really low key with a few visits with friends and family members. I was especially glad to go with the kids to a family Christmas party at the nursing home where my granny is staying. The party really wore her out so we took her back to her room and got her settled. She is the kind of person that you never know what kind of gift to buy her and you never know what actions will mean a lot to her or not. Well, this particular day I gave her a manicure and pedicure. Her nails were in great need of some TLC. When I rubbed the lotion of her hands she had this look of sheer relief. She admitted they had been bothering her because they were so dry. She thanked me profusely after that. What a small thing for me to do and yet it meant something to my granny. I was so grateful to have been able to bless her in a small way. It blessed me!
Here we are at the party
Saturday night I went to a wedding for a friend from way back in my past. We were best friends in junior high and more like acquaintances really, in high school. Her name is Jessica and she married for the first time at 30. It was a joy to be there and fun to get to see so many old friends. Probably the most memorable moment from the whole trip was this night. We were standing near the dance floor with our wine in hand, laughing and talking. And all of the sudden we sort of looked at each other. There were 4 of us girls there. We all went to high school and church together growing up. We all married "Christian" guys. I actually sang in 2 of their weddings. The four of us realized all at once that we were all divorced. And not only that but we were all divorced because our husbands cheated on us. How sad is that? So, Melissa raised her glass to us and said, "To new beginnings and the second time around." We toasted and sort of basked in the surreal moment. We did shake it off later though and danced till the band went home. It was a terribly fun evening. I needed it! Thanks Robin for being my plus 1!!
Me and Robin at the end of the night looked partied out!
Sunday we had Christmas Eve fun times at Danyel and Ryan's house. We had our traditional Christmas Eve meal hodgepodge. Boiled shrimp, BBQ wienies, queso, guacamole, egg rolls, Special K candy, etc. The idea is we all get to pick our favorite foods. There is no main dish or vegetable balance in this meal. No! Just the favorites. That was fun.
Here's some Christmas Eve photos of the kids
Christmas morning we celebrated at mom and dads. D and Ryan came over with the kids and we had traditional lunch. This was mine and mom's first attempt at chicken and dressing all by ourselves. This was the first year that granny couldn't cook it for us. It was almost perfect, so it cheered us all up that that tradition hadn't been lost forever. Then the afternoon rolled around. Time to deliver the kids to Chris. Such a great day had to go and be ruined. It really was very easy, but too sad. Christmas Day you are supposed to be with the ones you love the most. Haven't you heard all the songs? Well...unfortunately I spent the second half of Christmas Day without them. After crying the entire way home, I was better.
Christmas night I went to Danyel and Ryan's and got to spent 2 nights there with them. I tried to do a few small things for Danyel, but she really had it all together. She is such a great little mama! Her children are so blessed to have her and Ryan.
So, then we headed home on Wednesday. That's it. It was wonderful and easy for the "first" Christmas. The best part is, that it's past me. I don't have to think about it for a whole other year. So, good-bye 2006! I am so ready for 2007. Ready to put the old behind and focus on the hope of what this new year will bring. I hope mostly that it will bring much healing for all involved. If I know the Lord like I think I do, then that's exactly what He has planned for us.
Happy New Year!!
I think God's timing is so intention in these things. Ya know, what would have been and should have been a really hard Christmas for my family having lost one of its members and grieving that loss, was filled with joy because of sweet little addition. Thank the Lord.
Here she is!!
The rest of the week was really low key with a few visits with friends and family members. I was especially glad to go with the kids to a family Christmas party at the nursing home where my granny is staying. The party really wore her out so we took her back to her room and got her settled. She is the kind of person that you never know what kind of gift to buy her and you never know what actions will mean a lot to her or not. Well, this particular day I gave her a manicure and pedicure. Her nails were in great need of some TLC. When I rubbed the lotion of her hands she had this look of sheer relief. She admitted they had been bothering her because they were so dry. She thanked me profusely after that. What a small thing for me to do and yet it meant something to my granny. I was so grateful to have been able to bless her in a small way. It blessed me!
Here we are at the party
Saturday night I went to a wedding for a friend from way back in my past. We were best friends in junior high and more like acquaintances really, in high school. Her name is Jessica and she married for the first time at 30. It was a joy to be there and fun to get to see so many old friends. Probably the most memorable moment from the whole trip was this night. We were standing near the dance floor with our wine in hand, laughing and talking. And all of the sudden we sort of looked at each other. There were 4 of us girls there. We all went to high school and church together growing up. We all married "Christian" guys. I actually sang in 2 of their weddings. The four of us realized all at once that we were all divorced. And not only that but we were all divorced because our husbands cheated on us. How sad is that? So, Melissa raised her glass to us and said, "To new beginnings and the second time around." We toasted and sort of basked in the surreal moment. We did shake it off later though and danced till the band went home. It was a terribly fun evening. I needed it! Thanks Robin for being my plus 1!!
Me and Robin at the end of the night looked partied out!
Sunday we had Christmas Eve fun times at Danyel and Ryan's house. We had our traditional Christmas Eve meal hodgepodge. Boiled shrimp, BBQ wienies, queso, guacamole, egg rolls, Special K candy, etc. The idea is we all get to pick our favorite foods. There is no main dish or vegetable balance in this meal. No! Just the favorites. That was fun.
Here's some Christmas Eve photos of the kids
Christmas morning we celebrated at mom and dads. D and Ryan came over with the kids and we had traditional lunch. This was mine and mom's first attempt at chicken and dressing all by ourselves. This was the first year that granny couldn't cook it for us. It was almost perfect, so it cheered us all up that that tradition hadn't been lost forever. Then the afternoon rolled around. Time to deliver the kids to Chris. Such a great day had to go and be ruined. It really was very easy, but too sad. Christmas Day you are supposed to be with the ones you love the most. Haven't you heard all the songs? Well...unfortunately I spent the second half of Christmas Day without them. After crying the entire way home, I was better.
Christmas night I went to Danyel and Ryan's and got to spent 2 nights there with them. I tried to do a few small things for Danyel, but she really had it all together. She is such a great little mama! Her children are so blessed to have her and Ryan.
So, then we headed home on Wednesday. That's it. It was wonderful and easy for the "first" Christmas. The best part is, that it's past me. I don't have to think about it for a whole other year. So, good-bye 2006! I am so ready for 2007. Ready to put the old behind and focus on the hope of what this new year will bring. I hope mostly that it will bring much healing for all involved. If I know the Lord like I think I do, then that's exactly what He has planned for us.
Happy New Year!!
January 01, 2007
Happy Birthday Benjamin!
My precious little boy on his 5th birthday.
Benjamin with the gum I gave him for his birthday. He chewed his first piece of gum ever today on his fifth birthday.
Black Beard Benjamin at his pirate birthday party
The gang of pirates all dressed in their pirate gear.
What an adorable pirate boy! Aarggh...Matey!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!
Benjamin with the gum I gave him for his birthday. He chewed his first piece of gum ever today on his fifth birthday.
Black Beard Benjamin at his pirate birthday party
The gang of pirates all dressed in their pirate gear.
What an adorable pirate boy! Aarggh...Matey!
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