Questions, questions...

What? When? Where? Who?
Why?
Why?
Why....

Ya know, I've been nearly eaten alive with all the questions that are running through my head. Some are "what-if's" concerning the future, but most are related to the past, a past I have been so desperately trying to piece together and make sense out of. This past has a new dark discovery at every turn. The past pain, fear and anxieties finally all make sense and it completely alters the shape of my future. I've been trying so hard to "figure it all out". But I realized...that even if I did have answers to these questions, even if I had the opportunity to demand answers for the past...it wouldn't matter. You see, my reasoning behind wanting these answers is that I simply want to make sense of it all. And that right there is the problem. Even if I got answers, it would never, never make sense. There is no reasonable explanation. There is no justification or excuse good enough or sane enough. It will never add up.

So...here I am with the questions swirling in my mind. With every one that rolls in I turn it over to God and ask Him to help me be at peace with no answer. This situation may not be reconciled. I have to move on with or without the happy ending. I can't lie. These past few days have been some of the hardest. I have no idea why. It could be that I've had so much time on my hands to think and be lonely. I really haven't felt lonely so far. But I know I have to stare this thing in the face and refuse to despair. This is where what I say I believe comes into real action. I have to look to Him to be my everything.

The other night I was so sad at bedtime and I pulled a book off the shelf. It was my grandmother's copy of "Streams in the Desert." Her eyesight is so bad now that my mom said I could take it home with me the last time I was there. She can't use it anymore. So, I opened the cover and saw a handwritten note inside. It was from a Ms. Kittinger who gave the book to my grandmother almost 27 years ago. This must have been when my grandpa died. She wrote,
"Dear Friend,
I hope you find some special pages to help you, as I did.
God is in every tomorrow therefore I live for today
certain of finding at sunrise guidance and strength for the way.
Power for each moment of weakness.
Hope for each moment of pain.
Comfort for each sorrow.
Sunshine and joy after rain."

How sweet and appropriate. I was able to go to sleep in peace. One hard day down...